I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
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It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Childbirth is so beautiful