Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here

Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up

Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.

I lost my car chapstick so I’ll have to replace it with purse chapstick and I’ll replace purse chapstick with kitchen chapstick and I’ll replace that with bathroom chapstick and then that moves the bedroom chapstick…

I’m never going to recover from this.

I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.

“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.

“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.

*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*

Me: OMG, what a great day!

Anxiety: Wait for it…

Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.

Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.

Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”

[therapy]

ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me

PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family

Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?

Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore

*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*

Genie: Probably should have opened with that

I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.

DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work

My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox

I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.

[First ever date]

ME: I just didn’t feel a spark

CAVEWOMAN: a what?

my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee

i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances

˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı

I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.

I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.

2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.

Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?

Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?

Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids

daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter

daniel radcliffe: hello

agent: would you like to be in a movie

daniel radcliffe: is it very strange

agent: yes

daniel radcliffe: then yes

agent: when can you get here

daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak

Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-

Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-

Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*