I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
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If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
We are a nation of people who queue, and who know and respect the rules of queuing. This of course goes out the window when we hear “we are opening till number 4”
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
My mum stayed with us recently and couldn’t help but advise me on certain things, being my mum.
Just like a sulky teenager I responded “Mum, I’m 53.”