I ordered mushrooms on my pizza.
When do they kick in?
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My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”