I ordered mushrooms on my pizza.
When do they kick in?
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A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
me adding lol on a serious message
COUPLE: “We’re trying for a baby”
OWNER OF HOOPLA STAND: “You know that’s just a doll, right?”
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL