I ordered mushrooms on my pizza.
When do they kick in?
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Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
An app where you and your SO swipe left and right on restaurants until there’s a match. No talking, no negotiation. Who’s building this?
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
Headlines With Threatening Auras.
Wait. We’re now turning plants into burgers? Haven’t cows been doing that like, forever.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
jokingly asked my coworker why the flag outside our building was at half mast today and he completely seriously said “for James Earl Jones i think?”
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
