I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
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To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.