I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
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i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude