I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
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A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire