I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
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I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
*walking into someone’s house with healthy, thriving houseplants everywhere*
Me: Oh, I see you dabble in witchcraft.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Me: It’s a dinosaur park…
Investor: Oh god yes, here is enough money to cover it going horrifically bad multiple times
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
3 Changes I’d Make to Improve Google Search
1. Nobody uses the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button so replace it with a second “Google Search” button
2. Remove the now redundant first “Google Search” button
3. Add a fun new button beside the Google Search button named “I’m Feeling Lucky”
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.