I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
“The engine light is on” Yeah that means it’s working
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
do you think my neighbors will mind if i make their outside xmas decorations look better
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
