I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
About 17 years ago my coworker made me a cake for my bday and said that I could “lick the bowl later” and I just realized she may have been flirting with me
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
