I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
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My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.