@Parkerlawyer

I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”

Good God that’s customer service.

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@Donna_McCoy

My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.

@iwearaonesie

*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*

@wickedsuga

Don’t just assume I’m crazy. Let this wedding album I photoshopped you into speak for itself.

@Awk0Tacoo

I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?

@NicestHippo

You had a flat tire on the highway? What was that like?

[cut to: me crying helplessly until AAA arrives]

Your survival instincts take over

@Rollmaninoz

HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*

@ohen39

Cop: Sir, don’t lock your kid in there, it’s very hot.
Me [closing car door]: It’s okay *leans in* it’s not my kid.

@KentWGraham

Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.

@MisterBombay

You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?