
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Don’t just assume I’m crazy. Let this wedding album I photoshopped you into speak for itself.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
You had a flat tire on the highway? What was that like?
[cut to: me crying helplessly until AAA arrives]
Your survival instincts take over
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Cop: Sir, don’t lock your kid in there, it’s very hot.
Me [closing car door]: It’s okay *leans in* it’s not my kid.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?