My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
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*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Don’t just assume I’m crazy. Let this wedding album I photoshopped you into speak for itself.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
You had a flat tire on the highway? What was that like?
[cut to: me crying helplessly until AAA arrives]
Your survival instincts take over
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Cop: Sir, don’t lock your kid in there, it’s very hot.
Me [closing car door]: It’s okay *leans in* it’s not my kid.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?