Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.

Me: What should we grow?

4-year-old: Tomatoes!

[1 week later]

Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!

4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?

i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off

Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?

Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.

Me: [left 3 hours ago]

Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood

My father (68, white, straight, male): “Hey, can you explain this bear in the woods thing to me? I don’t understand. Obviously, women would rather meet a random gay man in the woods. But why does he have to be a bear?”

VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things

S/o to @funTweeters .

I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.

NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.

Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.

Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.

Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.

We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”

I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀

At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it

Me: You’re getting so tall!

Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.

Me: …Oh.

Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.

Me:

Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.

…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”

Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.

What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven

[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms

I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.

*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?

New skill unlocked

Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.

Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.

Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:

[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry