I ordered some groceries, they delivered to the address next door she took them in her house. I went to get them she had put them in the kitchen gone say I thought they was a gift, b***h don’t play with me I’m not in the mood.
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judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
I have a black belt in leather
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
We argue about where to go for dinner for so long it eventually becomes an argument on where to go for breakfast
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet