I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
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Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Best spot.. 😅
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
He-man has a Masters degree
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
selfie game
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.