I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
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GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Never deleting this app.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Nice to finally get back that hour they stole earlier this year.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
My wife complains when mosquitoes get into the house, but she gets super mad when I release bats in the living room. Make up your mind, woman!