Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.

Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?

Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.

God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*

God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.

My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse

Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*

My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.

I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.

I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.

Archaeology.

8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER

The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.

Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

i choose….tongue

“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”

Me, one day after taking the new blood test that tells you if you’re an idiot or not: science is actually really overrated.

you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed

I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.

My mother’s scale of concern:

1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.

2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.

Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.

The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.

We only have one star.

My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken

happy valentine’s day to me

“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up

Cat 911: What’s your emergency?

Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!

Cat 911: Seriously?

Cat: No, LOL!

Cat 911: LOL!

My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.

Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….

My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..

no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life

Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”

Me: “Free.”

Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”

Me: “Thanks!”

*drives away quickly*

LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.

A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.

Did I just say that out loud?