i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
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“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
My husband, on the phone to social security administration to report that they still have not recorded his mother’s death (more than a year ago) and are still sending ss checks–
–SS phone lady says: so are you reporting your own death?
–Hubs says: ….No… I’m alive.
😬
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
I don’t like people staring at me on a good day let alone when I’m naked in the Smithsonian with my mummy bandages removed.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
As a proud husband and father in my 40s, my New Year’s resolution is to sneeze even louder this year.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Apparently it’s illegal to sell a bottle, a rag, and a pint of gasoline as fireworks to the neighborhood kids here in Nashville
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Santa punched a hole in my wall because I left him soy milk
just detonated a tiny nuclear device at my buddy’s house as a prank. scientists say his rumpus room will be uninhabitable for 600 years
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
keeping a picture of my bed in a locket around my neck and staring at it longingly on my lunch break
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”