I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
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So you heard that after I won several cuts from the butchers in a card game, I got back home to the farm to find out that one of my female sheep was questioning the existence of tropical cyclones, and you want to know if its true?
Well that’s four meat Uno, and ewe typhoon doubt.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Why did they call it painting your toenails and not graffeeti
If a snake ate a cake
