Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.

If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.

Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.

BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add

*Throws caution to the wind*

*gets covered in caution*

You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion

One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’

THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?

ME: Love.

T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?

M: Also love.

Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅

“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?

Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window

I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one

I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.

If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.

I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”

Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.

Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.

A pipe burst.

[on an interview]

Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*

Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*

Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit

eats a dozen doughnuts…

*checks for flabs*

Whenever a news article says the world’s oldest person has died, they never mention the suspects. Who stands to gain from this? Did they have any enemies? What about the second oldest person? What’s their alibi?

It’s Journalism 101, people!

Wife: Give me $50

Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy

W: Eh?

M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers

W: IDIOT

M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!

W: I despise you

Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?

Me: recently?

I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.

“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”

BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.

student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.

I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.

Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”

My dad.