Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if I can survive this, I can survive anything

God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion

Angel: Sounds perfect

God: Lol, they have to pick two of three

Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”

Pence: “Fewer!”

Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”

Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.

Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.

The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.

ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol

SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from

If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.

My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.

Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.

just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet

I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.

“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”

*pulls the plug*

I have no passwords left in me

If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works

*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.

Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping

Going back in time, y’all need anything?

[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy

[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy

I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.

The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.

Elf on the Shelf Log:

Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.

Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.

Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.

Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.

Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.

I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.

Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to

ok I’ll buy 10 boxes

Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.

~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~

AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.

I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.

I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby

If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– you were in the corner
– in the spotlight
– losing your religion

The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.

Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.

Me: Okay. *starts running*

*halley’s comet goes by*

*trainer dies of old age*

*halley’s comet passes again*

*the sun dies*

*final episode of the simpsons airs*

Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!