Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.

[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]

Soldiers seen here arriving before the infamous Battle of Baguettysburg.

Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?

Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”

I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.

I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”

If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…

Never, ever, play dead.

Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?

the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’

Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.

One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl

I’m single and proud of it!

* Flips hair
* Trips over cat

*meeting somebody from Canada*

So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?

time machine? you mean a clock?

Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor

I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane

One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.

A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’

A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?

A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.

Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.

This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now

Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.

Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos

Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…

The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?

Batman: ?

[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper

You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.

if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye

[commercial for pants]

*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*

There has to be a better way!