I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
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The French cow says MEUX…
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
When they ask “how was your weekend?” answer “better than yours” & maintain eye contact
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS