I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
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“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Can’t. Being lazy.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
This is true.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house