I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.
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I just ate the last piece of cheese in the fridge and it’s cloudy outside.
🎶 Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
How to make infinite energy.
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Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.