Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Please. Just a little longer.

Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.

Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power

Leia: By blowing up my planet?

Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation

Leia: NOOO!!!

Go to drunk, you’re bed.

my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps

I picked my nephew up from daycare today, Mind you, he’s biracial but looks like a white kid. They asked him if he knew who I was and why did this man look me dead in my face and say he didn’t know me…
Had them people ready to call the cops on me.

Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.

windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol

Me: Age is just a number

My body: And today you’re 85 lol

Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur

He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink

pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”

[runs into friends with baby]

Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.

Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?

Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?

please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q

At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.

hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list

*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*

Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?

Me: you have a bug on your shoulder

Doug: a what?

Me: *clears throat* a boug

Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.

I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!

hair coloring options for women:

out of a box = $12.99

going to a hair salon = $7,000

Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.

[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop

I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy

Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think

Supermassive Black Hole
Or what others call pizza night

This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo

I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.

astonishing how whenever you go to the post office the queue in front of you is made up almost entirely of people who appear to have ended up at the post office by accident, have in fact never visited a post office before, and have no idea what they want out of the experience

If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.