I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.
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In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
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e S
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I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Day 2 of my writing tips. As the greatest writer of my generation, I love helping young up-and-coming writers how to succeed in the biz. Today’s lesson is all about how to write a great murder mystery 👍
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Who called it baking and not making love
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.