I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
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My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
Yup.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.