I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
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Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Never forget.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!