Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i like baseball.

man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season

Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.

My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.

So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —

And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out

Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:

I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.

Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.

There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.

Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.

“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”

People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”

Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?

Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.

Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.

My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.

I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.

shotgunning a can of soup and crushing it against my forehead like a beer can

when nothing goes right… go left

The cardboard doesn’t go in the oven with the pizza… does it.

My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.

Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream

The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.

son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet

me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months

I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.

That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.

I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.

My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.

Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!

[Snake Owners Club]

Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.

[Me & like 3 other guys leave]

It’s crazy I need a certificate to prove I was born when you can literally just look at me

(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.

My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to me

I have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell

If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.

Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.