I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
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Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.