Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?

Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress

Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard

I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.

Nomnomnomnom

The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie

What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.

I hate ramen noodles.

*Checks bank account balance*

I love ramen noodles!

She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.

Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?

*holds up 6 fingers* This many

most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet

People knock the internet but I’ve just discovered that Swindon Town is the only league football club in England or Scotland that doesn’t contain any letters that appear in the word mackerel.

If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.

[grocery shopping]

“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”

I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS

soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:

– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm

Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise

Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people

[at the vets]

ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me

VET: Your chicken is a cock

ME: Tell me about it

shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms

*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*

I can’t tell if this character in the movie I’m watching is a villain or just German.

That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!

Wipe it on Daddy’s

If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.

CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.

Friend: You look different…younger…really great

Me: I had a little something done

Friend: *whispers* Face lift?

Me: Colonoscopy

Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me

As we are leaving the car wash, passing the self-service bays, 6yo says, “oohh that’s how poor people wash their cars” and now I have to teach her a lesson and make her do all our laundry in the creek.

I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.

As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.

My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.

I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?

I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.

I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.