Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service

My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.

Her: I heard you like to break the rules

Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.

Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.

coworker: you should try my therapist.

me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.

[Adopts emotional support dog]

Me: *Vents*

Dog: Runs away*

Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent

*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*

Customers behind me: huffing and puffing

Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss

everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything

[camping]

Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?

Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.

When did white people become such fucking pussies?

The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.

NETFLIX: Skip intro?

ME: Yes.

NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.

ME: Should…should I not skip it?

NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.

ME: Okay, skip intro.

NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.

I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?

[leans into restaurant] hey do you guys serve chicken
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door open for my bird friend] perfect

I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.

50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.

50% is begging them to be quiet.

My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP

I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles

After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one

midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potential

technology:

Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”

I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.

If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.

God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results

I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key

Me: I think my computer’s broken

Boss: just give it to the IT guy

Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck

Orcas, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find Jeff Bezos’ $500M superyacht.

Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all

Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love