I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
You Might Also Like
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
a New Yorker reject, for you
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ