I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
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[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
I know i asked for constructive criticism, but what I actually wanted was for you to tell me I’m extremely hilarious, and also handsome. Sorry if that was unclear.
Help me. I just emailed someone called Colin and it autocorrected to Colon. I called him Colon. I’ve sent it, it’s too late. Just saw it now. Do I apologise or act like I don’t know. Is anyone else here called Colin. Does this ever happen? What are your expectations?
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Why I divorced her.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what