I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
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Someone’s been going round our local town stealing all the eggs, milk, sugar and vanilla essence. Police now have the culprit in custardy.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
😂💯
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Having an exorcism, but only because the demon requested it
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Cold.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
nobody’s ever dunked on babies this hard and never will
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.