I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
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Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
This was my dad’s browser history.
It be like that sometimes 😆
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
multitasking lunch
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Good boy 😂😂
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will