i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it
![]()
You Might Also Like
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
No regrets in 2018
![]()
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
![]()