Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest

COMPUTER: Enter your password

ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]

COMPUTER: Your password is too weak

ME: [high fives computer]

me: cheeseburgers are better than sex

her: maybe you’re doing it wrong

me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon

her: I meant sex

me: me too

Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?

Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..

And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.

me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say

Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.

Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…

Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.

Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.

If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.

My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”

But I just call a spayed a spayed.

There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.

The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu

“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”

Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.

dad just confused an episode of full house with a memory of our actual family and I had to be like no that wasn’t us you watched that on full house

Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.

A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory

Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch

Pet Cemetery 3:

People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.

Somebody buries dinosaur bones.

Jurassic Park ensues.

supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’

Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”

I’d rather you didgerididn’t.

Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful

reminder

I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.

son: how did I get my name

me: *holds up baby name book*

son: ugh terrible

me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526

My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win

Me: * tastes dog treats*

Stalker: frickin weirdo

I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.