Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?

Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back

Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.

i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once

Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.

Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.

[3 guys corner me in an alley]

3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit

i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.

wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!

– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring

My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.

I hate when an old man tries to friend me on Facebook and then I realize we went to high school together

Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?

Hitler

This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼‍♀️

Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:

you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers

Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.

Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.

Are we there yet?…

Me: My neck is a little stiff

Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis

Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking

Me: I will one day

Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here

📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty

Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.

I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.

boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude

Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop

Batman: *eyes welling*

They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…

that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.

after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry

Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.

*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*

A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?

My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.

Only people who grew up before the internet will remember these: spelling, grammar and punctuation.

Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’

Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.