Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am

Me: we need to pick 9 up from school

4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today

If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??

I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate

Imagine if the scientists who made Covid combined m-pox with disease x and made X-Pox. The variants could be X-Pox 360, X-Pox One, and X-Pox Series X/S

[at mechanic]

me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment

mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts

The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.

I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.

Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all

Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?

People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?

I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18

I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.

mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?

-my 7 year old making the best of her public education

Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.

My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.

When you have to marry your mother-in-law

I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist

Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this

Therapist: Are you two still romantic?

Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.

Husband: There were chores written on all of them.

Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*

Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes

The way this guy who wants today’s newspaper is low-key gonna find the guy in the branch who currently has today’s newspaper even if he has to search every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse to do it

When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?

I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.

[debate]

ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not

I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.

On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”

..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”

Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.

INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say

If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?

HER: where were u last nite

ME: *turns on airplane mode*

HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???

[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no