Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”

When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.

It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.

Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.

Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?

Me: Obviously.

Most populated places in the world:

1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell

I lost my car chapstick so I’ll have to replace it with purse chapstick and I’ll replace purse chapstick with kitchen chapstick and I’ll replace that with bathroom chapstick and then that moves the bedroom chapstick…

I’m never going to recover from this.

Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?

Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.

Me: I am above the law.

I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.

i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020

My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.

The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.

For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.

One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?

Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?

Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.

[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”

[Interview]

Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.

Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.

For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.

*controversially pours a glass of milk*

Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.

The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.

“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”

” Yes, we arson.”

#HatDadJoke

I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time

At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids

ME: I really think I could win Survivor!

ME AFTER EXPERIENCING A SLIGHT BREEZE SANS JACKET: I will never go outside again.

Truth or Dare would be a much funnier game if you told a truth and people had to guess the question. For example, someone says “Since we met” and the question could either be “How long have you been in love with me” or “How long have you been wanting to kill me”

WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one

My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.

As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.

And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.

Me: Let’s get a library card.

Her: It’s too expensive.

M: They’re FREE, dummy.

[1 year later]

*receives bill for $190 in late fees*

If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???

[God creating the stingray]

Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”