i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it
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when nothing goes right… go left
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Friend: I’m gonna’ drop by.
Me: Sorry, my house is in the shop right now.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
I once read a book about an assassin that would identify at least 5 items in any room that he could use to kill everyone else in the room with him if need be.
When I enter a room I identify at least 5 places I could take a nap if I need to.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?