I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
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Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Me if I was a dog
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win, I guess.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
It’s 9:00 p.m. And an ice cream truck just blew past my house . Doesn’t he know I can’t run that fast
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️