I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
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Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
This is amazing.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
My son just won the Most Unused Napkin award at dinner
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.