I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
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ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!
Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?
Me: why…did it sneeze?
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Thursday Thought.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
what the
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve