I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
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My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Make it a habit to cry and act unhinged at meetings so you’re never invited back
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Going to start referring to my contacts as “eyebuds”
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?