Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tried to walk like an Egyptian and now I need to see a Cairo practor.

interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions

me: so I’m hired?

Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.

You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.

When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.

Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.

14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?

Me: I had you when I was 24.

14: So we’re like 10 years apart.

“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”

-inventor of Lucky Charms

My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.

I said “Happy”

Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.

I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.

Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!

I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.

And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.

The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.

him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?

me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose

him: that’s not what I asked

me: that is the information I have

airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.

Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.

Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.

7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.

M: Join the club.

I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me

If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”

[driving to occult ceremony]

“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”

[2 hours later]

[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER

mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!

Therapist: How are you feeling?

Me: Rage

Therapist: What is bringing you rage?

Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.

Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella

I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams

Hungry me has no respect for bathroom scale me.

A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.

There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.

my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat

[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE

[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]

ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day