I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
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boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
my one true gender
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Both of my boys are heading back to college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.