I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
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For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
I like to keep my wife guessing by walking around the backyard carrying a ladder and a chainsaw.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”