I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
You Might Also Like
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
10: Mom did you ride a horse and buggy when you were younger?
Me: Go to your room.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
today my coworker unknowingly told Zooey Deschanel that she “looks like Zooey Deschanel but older” ⚰️
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Learning minion language on Duolingo while my girl friend prepares to host thanksgiving for 48 people
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Stockholm Syndrome is a myth, I can confirm after polling all the ungrateful b*****ds I have locked in my basement.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.