@fanofhell

I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it

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@Poutymcgee

I’m not the kind of girl to get mad and throw a drink in your face….that’s wasteful. I’d drink it first and then glass you.

@HereComesCunty

1990’s: *gets knocked down* *gets up again*

2020’s: *gets knocked down* *gets up* *washes hands* *burns clothes* *initiates contact tracing*

@DurtMcHurtt

[throws salad into a garden]

Go home boy…you’re free now.

@maratasin

The fact that crocodile ate your enemy, does not make him your friend.

@TheBoydP

What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?

@shutupmikeginn

It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.

@ColdPetRat

launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076

@LostFelicia

Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.

@mattZillaaaa

Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one