I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
You Might Also Like
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.