@fanofhell

I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it

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@Lisabug74

You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?

@dafloydsta

BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess

@zoeklar

my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”

@kelly__le

I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!

Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!

@Brampersandon_

PAPA JOHNS EMPLOYEE: what can I get you
ME: I’ll take a large *forgetting the word pizza* cheese frisbee

@glamrockgoth

Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?

@brynnester

Me: *taps him on shoulder* But what if I don’t like bread? Or fish?
Jesus: *pinches bridge of nose*

@flashember

In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.

“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.

@Kalarlis

sir i need to confiscate all the ice cream in your store yes this is just a costume & i’m not a real cop but no one told me i’m pretty today