I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
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Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
first you must answer his riddles
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry