Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.

If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.

It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.

She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore

Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.

there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them

When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.

Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.

I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks

The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.

*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.

If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…

…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.

I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you

We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.

Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.

Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues

Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*

I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich

Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.

What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end

introducing two cats is tedium. not interested in your dumb politics just lick each other and be normal already

the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a fly* bee

Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?

BLEACH I MIGHT BE

Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.

Another year of doing the same thing next to a slightly different number, nice call

instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..

him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?

me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar

I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.

Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves

Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job

DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!