I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
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[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
My neighbours say I should travel more, and further away, for longer
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college