I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
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GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.