Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

lmao

[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.

ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.

Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.

Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.

Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.

Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.

Aquaman: but-

Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.

me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred

The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.

It’s real life horror movie science

Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward

[blind date]

HER: I recently found Jesus

ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?

I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.

Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.

quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric

Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today

Let a monkey out of the lab and he’ll have a nice day in the park.

Teach a monkey to escape the lab and 43 of the will populate the whole eastern seaboard.

Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.

Me: You have other pants and you wore those?

I was visiting my parents yesterday and found this. I’m their only child.

this picture pisses me off so bad. no bread or cheese but we brought the fucking pinecones. i’d be so pissed if my girlys showed up to the picnic with this shit. id be taking big bites of that pine cone saying MMM YUMMY just to make a point

I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.

I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.

These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them

When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .

ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us

~~The crew of the Apollo-G

interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing

3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!

Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.

3: *realizes growing up was a trap*

*puts my mental health in rice

Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.

The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.

I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”

[leaving parents’ house]

HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.

ME: Ya he also has another one.

My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.

Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.

My stylist: Yes, that too.

*hears recording of my voice*

Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?

Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.