I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
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Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
I hope google does well on my son’s test
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
going to bed
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.