Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food

Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it

having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”

Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.

oh good, now I can stop drinking

ME: There’s something fishy going on here.

YOU: It’s just an aquarium.

ME: Exactly.

wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no

You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.

From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills

[coworkers chatting about me, to me]

cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰

MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on

ME: *visibly ages*

Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.

[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]

ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer

Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?

Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?

[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?

I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.

I don’t care if they ban TikTok I still love Ke$ha.

I will not defend the unsettling texture of my chili to you or anyone, madam.

I hate when I’m typing away, expecting autocorrect to have my back, and I look down and just see awjdbdmkskanxksnakdbd

Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’

Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’

Please don’t leave that cake alone with me

Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.

But it was hollow. And white chocolate.

Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.

It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”

How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars

ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]

Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:

*at reading of my will*

Executor: *opens envelope*

‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: I’m not eating this piece of apple until you take the skin off.

It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again