Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.

Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?

-me, as a therapist

Wedding planning is organized crime.

ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
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My favorite female superhero

Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.

If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.

One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.

8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it

My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me

Having a fiancée is the closest feeling to finding a cool rock as a kid.
Like I just found her out in the wild, but she’s in my house now and even though I didn’t do anything I’m oddly proud.
Like, “Look! Look how pretty she is! No don’t pick her up only I’m allowed to do that.”

If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people

Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”

[job interview]

“Have any questions?”

Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?

half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.

APOLOGISE NOW!!!

[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?

There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar

“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign

[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R

BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.

[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.

Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!

Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!

me: i’ve started seeing someone

therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations

[mall]

Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.

*looks in purse*

*waves at testicles*

Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!

A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.

Thanks for following.

Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.

Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS

Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!

~ me, pleading with my hair

I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”

I said: “That’s a…big step.”