Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “I’m not going to spend any money today.”

Life: “That’ll be $200.”

When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie

TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess

[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.

things a whale might end an email with:

-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krill

things a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:

-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you

*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list

adds you to my “No” list*

Shit dude that SUCKS

-me as a 911 operator

My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.

Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.

I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot

Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky

My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now

I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.

My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.

And so so dumb.

Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.

It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.

Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.

[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”

These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.

Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying

You and I share a very special connection.

*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.

“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything

[god creating elephant]

“overfeed that aardvark”

her: your costume is highly inappropriate

me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha

her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy

Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?

19: I don’t want to tell you.

Me: Was it porn?

19: It’s worse.

Me: What was it?

19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2

😆😆😆

me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?

google: give it to someone else

Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.

*walks out of pharmacy*

scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year

My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”

I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly

Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough

After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.