Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”

me: I put a siren on your car

cop: what’s that soun–

*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*

They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?

*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race

INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage

ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning

Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.

[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.

January is the Mondayest month of the year

me: does anyone here play baseball

england: *crickets*

me: dentist said the kids have the plague

wife: plaque

me: yes a memorial would be good

” I need you ”

– Me in the toilet roll aisle

People who talk to themselves tend to be great lovers.
Did you know that?
Yes, I did know that.
Thank you for asking.

THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!

1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity

I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.

me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?

mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”

Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.

Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!

Me: I need to finish the semester strong

Friend: hey

Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow

My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.

She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.

Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol

Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.

When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.

Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.

Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: YES!

Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?

Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!

Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: Yes!

Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?

Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.

The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner

“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.

We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them

Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF

Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]

Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME

Are you a cat person or a person person?