Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Griddle me this!!

– Batman villain ordering breakfast.

My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs

Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep

Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.

channeling her this year

Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*

I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic

I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…

I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum

I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”

Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.

After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.

One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”

I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.

Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?

FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”

Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.

Now you’re ready to have kids.

OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.

– My clothes.

Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing

How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?

My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord

Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.

Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though

Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.

An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.

Based Erika

Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.

It’s freedom of expression.

Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes

What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is mississippi

pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p

judge: im sorry you’re missing an i

pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.