I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
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All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
who did the taste test?
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal