I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
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I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Dental Hygenist: can I ask a question?
Me: You’ve had your fingers in my mouth for 15 minutes, ask whatever you want
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
I got one brain cell left & it moves around my head like a windows screensaver
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
Just been down the cafe. Good to see Margo’s letting bygones be bygones.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day