I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
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[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Me: It’s Celine Dion riding a unicorn
Tattoo artist: You know these are permanent right?
Artwork by Herta Burbe
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
How times have changed.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Multitask? I can barely unitask
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
I had to lay down on my bed to zip up my jeans this morning so I’m calling in thick today
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer