Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog when she hears popcorn popping

I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.

The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.

What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us

You put the shhh in bullshhhit.

dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩‍⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️‍♀️👶

people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important

*sees cute boy checking me out*

me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards

The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.

Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.

Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pasta

He’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove

Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.

Child: What’s a pandemic?

Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.

Child: I’ll ask mom.

You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.

as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.

The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn

My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.

[Tattoo Parlor]

Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.

Calf: *nervous mooing*

hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park

Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.

[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*

When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”

Your move, government.

Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer

I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”

This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”

people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground

New PR on the treadmill today…I was able to hang 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants

The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article

ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor

I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)