I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
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How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
the lamestream media wants you to call them “pigeons”. but CRIME BIRDS are terrorizing our cities: stealing wifi, causing sunspots, downloading cars
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel