I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
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i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
WHY would you be happy about this?
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF