I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
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Thanks to a fan for this one.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.