Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.

I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.

She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well

Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies

I’ve never seen a runner smiling.

So that’s all I need to know about that.

I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast

The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.

wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together

There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive

Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat

Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.

We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.

She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.

It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.

Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you

early stone age tool

I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.

The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.

You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?

“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.

What do you call a woman that sets her credit card bills on fire?

Bernadette.

DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.

From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.

me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?

wife: you deserve this

me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?

wife: we’ll find out

I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.

It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.

You win again, life.

Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted

HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing

CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar

HAN: why do you need a business loan

Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.

I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.

Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients