I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
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Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Had a dream I was in Japan with Draco Malfoy and he asked if I wanted a cookie and I said no and he was all, “my father will hear about this”
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked