I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
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There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
People posting their horrific dating app screenshots serves an important purpose: keeping married people together. Whatever problems you have in your marriage you don’t want to be out there again
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Got into the habit of meowing like a frustrated cat at every mild inconvenience at home. Did it at work today.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up